Assumptions
I know that every one of you probably just had the thought in your mind as you read that headline/title, “when you assume, you make an ass of you and me.” That phrase has become so commonplace and with it comes the assumption that assumptions are all bad and that we should avoid them. The truth of the matter is though—we all make assumptions; each day and all day long.
Are assumptions good or bad? Can assumptions be helpful? Are assumptions always hurtful?
An assumption carries with it a belief that my own perspective is true and accurate. When I bounce a ball I can continue to do so —to dribble because I assume that the ball will come back to meet my hand. Of course, for this to be true and accurate the ground must be level, the ball needs to be consistent in shape, etc.
Athletes are familiar with and helped by assumptions; conditions of the field, ability to rightly judge distance, velocity, even angles. When driving, the assumption that others will obey the traffic laws contributes to safe driving. In a relationship the assumption that you are heard and understood is paramount to a healthy relationship. Healthy assumptions are at the core of what it means to have Goodwill; the G in H=REG (Humility, Respect, Empathy, & Goodwill) that I refer to so often. Assuming that your spouse has your best interest in mind, assuming that they love you, assuming that they can be trusted and that they trust you, assuming that what your spouse tells you is true are all examples of healthy assumptions that demonstrate Goodwill. Relationships thrive when Goodwill is freely given and in order for it to be given there has to be quite a few positive assumptions.
Something that makes assumptions so very destructive to a relationship is how they are often self-fulfilling prophecies. Often the self-fulfilling prophecy gains credibility because we then turn to confirmation bias. Confirmation bias means that the only perspective that I am willing to hear/consider is mine. If an idea does not support my perspective then I am not open to hear it (or change my opinion or actions).
How do we get better at managing our assumptions? Here are three things that I will encourage you to do.
1. Awareness: work on developing better awareness of your own assumptions. Start with just recognizing that you have made an assumption. Begin to recognize and admit when you have made an assumption.
2. Ask questions: start by asking a few questions of yourself. Why do I believe that? Why do I think of ‘this’ in this way? Get clear on why you have the perspective that is yours and then become curious and explore the other person’s perspective.
3. Embrace uncertainty: be aware that you may not have all the facts. Allow your humility to rise to your consciousness as you consider that you may not know everything about the situation/circumstance.
Face it, assumptions are part of life. Let’s learn to manage our assumptions and not allow them to cause divisions and conflict in life, especially in the relationships that mean the most to us! If you need help learning to do this, give me a call.
If you or someone that you know are struggling with a relationship we would love the opportunity at Brown Counseling and Coaching to assist you in finding peace, and a way forward for the relationship. Appointments can be made by calling 904-885-0215 or clicking this LINK.